The Pain That Never Ends

 I've had chronic pain issues throughout my life.  Starting at a young age I went through a genetic disorder called Osgood~Slaters.  A disease that causes my bones to grow faster than ligaments during puberty causing part of the front of the leg bone to peel away and snap back and forth against the rest of the bone in both lower legs. It is extremely painful and caused me to be very sedentary.  Including my hypothyroidism, I gained so much weight, which made everything I was already dealing with, so much worse.  

Then after my knee pain and issues, my gut problems and menstrual pain issues started.  My periods were so bad I would go into a cold sweat and double over in pain.  I could barely function.  And the gut issues turned into lactose allergies and IBSD.  I can feel my digestive tract do it's contractions and whatnot needed to digest.  

Adding to that I started having some serious spinal pain in the middle of my back.  Found out I have DDD.  Degenerative Disc Disease.  My bones in my middle spine are literally deteriorating.  As are the others in my lower spine, which have now been fused on three levels now after finding out I had a broken spinal vertebra.  My upper spine is curving to the left. It's not comfortable.  At all.  My shoulders both have tears in the rotator cuffs. Multiple tears.  I have had numerous broken bones.  Severe tooth issues from years of dry mouth from medication to help with the pain and mental health problems. 

Years of physical abuse from my father made my body fragile.  I have fibromyalgia from growing up in trauma.  Severe and constant physical, mental and emotional trauma.  

After the spinal fusion I have nerve issues in both legs.  My right more than left.  My sciatic nerves are fucked.  My body always hurts.  Just always. 

I live in pain.  Constant daily pain.  Even if I do not say anything about being in pain, I'm in pain.  When I tell you I'm in pain and it's bothering me, I'm in excruciating pain. It's always there.  Always. From one thing or another.

My body lets me down so frequently that I call it my meatsack on really bad pain days. And the worst of all of it is the guilt I feel for having my body limit my abilities. 

I blame myself for my issues and limitations.  I had no way to prevent them but it's there all the same.  Heavily present in all of my thoughts and emotions and actions. 

I try not to let it interfere with my life but it's literally a part of my being, it's part of who I am at this point.  I don't know how to separate one from the other anymore.  If I woke up tomorrow and nothing hurt, I would honestly think I was probably dead or not awake yet.  LOL