Guilt and Regret as a Disabled Mother

 I see the judgmental looks every time I leave my house.  Why is she disabled?  Why is she using a cane?  Why is she using a motorized cart?  Why can't she just walk?  Being fat isn't a disability!!!!  

You're right, it's not. I have severe underlying issues you know NOTHING about and it makes me feel like my body is on FIRE when I move it too much on days that it's flared up.  And you'll NEVER guess what moving too much on a flare day means.  

It means, you hurt so bad, you wait until the ABSOLUTE LAST MINUTE to move to go pee or have a BM.  Because moving your body enough to even GET to the TOILET on a bad flare day!!!! Is nearly impossible and requires a medal of honor.  

When my wife first met me, I was nearly 300 lbs and roughly 6 feet tall.  I am now less than 280 lbs and am roughly 5 feet 8 inches.  This is all due to DDD or degenerative disk disease, scoliosis, arachnoiditis, and a genetic pars defect, which is a not wholly fused vertebral bone and my spine is fucked. And it hurts.  I have surgical titanium keeping the bottom in place and the top is so fucked its started to cave in on itself. Any physical shortcut I CAN capitalize on without trampling on another's rights, I utilize.  

But there's always that one person.  Right?!?!?!

The one who just hates you and your cause for being you and your cause or lifestyle or culture.  Literally ANYTHING not THEIR WAY.  Like a damn toddler, they lash out without thinking of consequences.  Poor ignorant people, I'm sorry you thought so lowly of me. I hope your day and life go better than when you decided to hate on me to make yourself feel better.  

If you need a hug, lmk.  

In the meantime, I have no sympathy for your child who was unfortunate enough to think they could take on my Tiga the Tank and not get hurt, physically, mentally or emotionally.  

My children are born of sarcasm, cold hard truth, reality, life experience and a vocabulary that may put you, yourself, to shame if you doubt me.  I have never baby talked or sheltered or sugarcoated the lives of my two children.  They'll both be double digits this year, they both know what a food budget is.  They both know how to shop for the best price and quality.  They know how to round up.  They know how to cook for themselves with MORE than just a microwave or cereal and milk.  

No they don't believe in the tooth fairy, they know it's mom.  

They know our Yule/Christmas gifts aren't about what WE GET but are more about watching the faces of the people we get the presents for and enjoying spending time with them!!!  The added gifts are just a bonus!!  

Santa was amazing and is just like the story of Jesus Christ.  I dare you prove me wrong. 

They know Easter isn't about eggs and chocolate and some dead guys rebirth. It's about nature renewing itself and turning everything green and lush and vibrant again.  It's about bringing life BACK to the Earth after a long season of death.  

My children value the solstices.  The Equinoxes. The Moon. The Sun. The Stars. The Earth. The ocean, the skies, literally everything the universe has given us is a gift in our religion, as Pagans.  

I teach them humanity and kindness and patience and understanding.  I teach them reduce, reuse, recycle, and shop at thrift stores for clothes.  They walk to school as often as possible and on on really nice days, they walk back too. When school lets out we grow our own vegetables in the summers and even utilize fruits in the springs!  

My children have chores and help keep our home and outside our home, clean and neat and tidy.  They help with laundry, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming and mopping.  They shovel in the winter.  They wash our car and water our grass in the summer.  

I am not the same kind of mom most of the kids my children encounter in school are used to.  I make my children fully aware of the world they're living in and what to actually want, accept, expect and be aware of. 

I grew up hard. My kids know life. I don't feel bad for that. I feel like I'm teaching them valuable life lessons at this point. Why is that wrong?

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